Not the SAT

Okay, when I was a student, I almost always did really well on tests. Even when the teacher/ professor decided to give us a "pop quiz" I was ready. I always did my homework, paid attention in class, and generally was a goodie two shoes who teachers loved. My test results were generally no surprise, and I felt really confident that my results would correspond directly to both my understanding of the material and my hard work.

Today, though, I faced a test that I never took in school. It was the test of patience and forebearance-- I failed it badly. Not one to ever be satisfied with an "F", or even a "D" or "C", for that matter, I am now trying to understand what happened. The crux of the issue was based on a piece of mail that probably came to my mother at least 10 days ago regarding her eligibility for "Access-A-Ride"--the most important cog in her transportation puzzle. She needs to fulfill a few requirements such as a doctor's appointment, a passport picture and an evaluation by the city of New York in order to continue her ridership. We have discussed this many times and were awaiting the arrival of this important piece of mail.

Today, I found that the important mail had come at least 10 days ago, with an appointment set for this Tuesday with the city. The passport picture had not been taken, the doctor's paperwork was not accomplished and she would be unable to get to the appointment on the correct day.

Now, I know what you're thinking--why hasn't this daughter taken charge and made the appropriate appointments, had the pictures taken, etc.. You would be right, except, and, wait for it.... Mom INSISTED that she and her male friend need to do all of this, and that she would not want me intefering. So, I didn't interfere, but when I saw the letter from the City, I started asking the important questions. That's when I failed the test.

Mom became so angry that I hadn't taken care of everything, and that I was questioning her, that she began yelling at me, and poking me in the arm. She wanted me to understand that she has a medical problem--her eyes-- and can't do everything for herself. This is where I lost it!!
I have been begging her to accept some help in the house with paperwork and other things that I can't get to while living 50 miles away and she has consistently refused. But, today, she was screaming at me for not understanding that she needs help with such things. Something inside me just snapped-- I tried calming her down, but she wouldn't listen or stop her tirade--she wanted me to "fix" the problem and of course, today is a Saturday so I couldn't do anything.
I tried to explain that she had asked me not to interfere, but that fell on deaf ears and more yelling ensued. If I hadn't retreated to the bathroom things might have really gotten ugly.
We really resolved nothing, except taking the passport pictures and deferring a solution to the problem until the next business day, and her male friend's intervention.

So, I give myself an "F" in coping, and calming the dementia in my dear sweet, almost 85 year old mother. I neither fixed the problem nor had an easy time of the visit. I am encumbered by the problems of her need to remain independent, and her inability to do so. I know where this is leading--either insisting on 24 hour in house help, or committing her against her will to a nursing home. She really isn't rational a lot of the time, and she's dangerous to herself. Her fridge is full of molding food that she refuses to throw away. I had to quickly ditch spoiled things while she was busy somewhere else in order to save her from herself. Yet, I think there must be a more calming way to accomplish all of this. I am stymied by my own poor grade, and wish that next time I could study in the old fashioned way to get a better score.