The Perennial Catch-22

When we talk to lucid people we often forget that there are "rules of engagement". Those rules generally follow the pattern that previous conversations have been archived in our respective memories, and can be recalled when necessary for reference in new conversations. This, however, does not happen when we speak to a person with dementia.

There have been literally 50 discussions with Mom about changing the way she manages her finances. We ( the entire family) have encouraged those changes through the last 5 years, in order to protect Mom's assets ( meager as they are) if she should need nursing home care. My brother and I have also met with Mom and her attorney in order to advise her of her options. Today, the subject came up again, and the options were discussed. I assumed that there would be some glimmer of recollection from all the previous conversations. Never, never, never assume anything when you are speaking to someone with dementia!!!! Mom asked for the explanation of the options, and then proceeded to tell me that nobody ever explained this to her before, and that now she would need to think about the choices before anything could be done. This would sound reasonable if not for the fact that 5 minutes earlier, she had told us that she was just waiting for my brother and myself to tell her which day we wanted to take care of the finances!!

I am generally a very patient person--just ask my husband and people who have watched me teach--but patience, has it's limits. I do not know how to get past this Catch-22. Nothing will ever get done if every time we discuss this, or other important issues, Mom is believing that she's hearing it for the first time, when in actuality it's really the 10th or 50th time. We cannot move forward on any decision without her consent ( nor would we want to). We are trying to act in her best interests, and are completely stymied by the fact that every conversation with Mom is a new one. My patience is being tested every time I see my dear, sweet Mother. My heart is wrenched beyond its limits and there's no analgesic for this pain.