Sadness Prevails

The inevitable has happened. Mom's lethargy was part of a urinary tract infection that led to a hospitalization, that led to needing the custodial care in a nursing home. The events of the last week have given me a crash course in medicine (primarily geriatrics)and a preliminary degree in social work as well as disdain for our health care system. The idea that a middle class person who worked hard all their life and paid taxes while following all the rules should need to be bankrupted in order to get the help they need in old age is appalling and completely unacceptable. For all of the people who fear universal health care coverage and believe that it's socialism, try placing your parent in a nursing facility in their old age and then come back to report how well our present system functions. It is ludicrous to think that I needed to spend an entire week on the telephone trying to sort out the care options and placement for her instead of being able to spend that time visiting and comforting her while she was ill and afraid. And, in the end, found out that after paying for medical insurance for years and years, there is still no coverage available for a middle class person who needs custodial care. So all that my poor father worked 72 hours a week for, over a 45 year work history needs to evaporate before any assistance becomes viable. In a word, it's disgusting!!!!

All of that being said, I also need to come to terms with seeing my dear, sweet, intelligent mother needing a security ankle bracelet in the nursing home because she's a "flight risk". I need to field the constant questions about when she'll be going home and continue to be creative in answering those ponderings without owning up to the reality to her, that she most probably needs to stay there for her own protection. Of course thousands of people my age are doing exactly what I've done this week. That's little comfort because right now, sadness prevails.

Anger vs. Sadness

I am all too frequently angry or sad these days. The anger stems from the endless phone calls that are required to answer the same questions over and over again and the unfortunate imbalance of my responsibility and involvement in my mother's care compared to that of my sibling. The sadness comes from the need to be so involved in the first place after becoming accustomed to a mother whose life was vital and independent.

Today is mostly an angry one. My mother is not feeling able to do anything--she may be reacting to new prescriptions or this is a new piece depressed piece of the dementia puzzle. I spent all day with her yesterday and hoped that my brother would be able to shoulder some of the responsibility of calling her doctor and taking her to an appointment if that is what the doctor suggests. Instead, he is STILL asking me to come there ( an hour trip each way) because he believes it would be better for two people to do this. No sh...!! It would be better so many days that I am the only caregiver to have more than one person involved, but I wind up doing everything alone. Now, when he has to be the only one, I am not free to just be me for the day, but need to be on call and will probably still wind up going there again! Of course I could stand my ground but that's where my feelings of devotion and responsibility won't permit that, and he knows it.

The prevailing sadness and disappointment that mom's life has come to this, and the problems inherent in the sibling relationship all are a heavy burden. I live this issue with her almost 24/7,( via all the phone calls, errands and countless visits) while my brother is still able to walk away from a lot of it for weeks of non-involvement and excuses about work taking too much of his time. He also doesn't help with our 86 year old uncle who depends upon ME from a nursing home. The sadness is shadowed by anger and vice versa throughout the day, but today the anger is winning!