The Mourning Process

I am convinced that I am essentially in mourning. The sadness that has come over me may be depression, but I honestly believe that seeing Mom's furniture and life's treasures donated and or tossed away has brought me to a level of loss. All of this was supposedly completed last week as my brother and I handed in the keys and signed off on Mom having a residence of her own. But with Mother's Day approaching I need to keep reminding myself that I still have a mother who can be visited and is part of my life.

The fact that she no longer is really the person I used as my model for mothering is part of the mourning process. I don't think I ever really understood how much I looked at her as my guide until this year. I rarely asked her opinion when I was a young mother. It always seemed as if I was charting my own territory--learning how to parent with Larry and doing what seemed appropriate for our sons at different times in their growth. But now, I think I really used her as the guidepost for most of those parenting decisions. Maybe it's true for everyone--that adage you "Parent as you were parented" is more valid than anyone wishes. Sometimes we make a decision to do something completely different than our parents did, and I remember those times, but I believe that more often than not, I followed Mom's lead because I believe she was a great mother! She built confidence and security into our lives while offering her unconditional love at all times. She was flexible and accommodated our crazy schedules while often foregoing things that were important to her. Finally, the love that she and our Dad shared gave us the model that we needed for the way a marriage and a family SHOULD work. Of course, I've done a few things differently, but for the most part I think I didn't reinvent the mousetrap. I followed that pattern that gave me security as a child.

So, now that security is shaken. Seeing Mom diminished, and finding her without the possessions she so lovingly collected has made me aware of losses in her capabilities and persona--things that can't be retrieved. So, as Mother's Day approaches, I must deal with the new Mom I have--still embodied in the blond (now grey), blue-eyed person I've loved, but different nonetheless. So the mourning process begun by dementia will continue. Still, at least for this year, I can wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day, and know that at some level she'll enjoy the day and we will maintain the bond that has supported us for nearly 60 years.