Praying for something

Last night I had to deal with something that has never been mentioned before. Mom called and told me that she now prays to die and understands why people commit suicide. She has been increasingly depressed in the last few weeks and I've discussed this with the nurses. They have, in turn, spoken to the doctor who is increasing her anti-depressant and recommending talk-therapy with the psychologist. Of course we won't see any changes right away so I probably need to steel myself for more phone calls about death.

Mom is still lucid enough to know that she hates being in a nursing home and finds it "boring." She attends all the social events (and there are more things to do in this facility than in many other places) but she is not capable of understanding that she is not able to take care of herself. She asks me each day why I can't "take her in". Then it is I who does the praying--for strength, patience and fortitude to face the guilt that this question always brings. I've tried to explain that there aren't any other people her age here, or activities to engage her. I've tried to also explain that I really can't give her what she needs. She is savvy enough to immediately tell me that I just don't want to change the freedom that I now have--no guilt there! Part of it is that she's right! I can't see how I could really give her what she needs while still maintaining any of my life--is that selfish? realistic? Only G-d knows the answer to that one.

So we each pray for our solace. I pray that she stops praying for death and starts praying for acceptance. I pray that she doesn't come to hate me. I pray that peace comes to her in her old age. Finally, I pray that I never live through what she is living and that my children will never be forced deal with me the same way. So, I suppose I pray for peace for us all.

So,