One Day at a Time

Mom developed pneumonia a few weeks ago and as you could guess it has weakened her terribly.  She was on two IV antibiotics and IV dextrose.  She was unable to speak, had trouble breathing and deteriorated so badly that I was asked how aggressively we wish to treat her.  I signed a DNR and DI ( do not intubate).  My brother and I were asked to consider a PIC line in the hospital because she kept pulling out the IV, but we resisted that.  We hesitate to hospitalize her because she would only become more confused, would have less attention than she now gets from nurses and aides who know and like her, and she might pick up another infection. I have since requested hospice care and she qualified.  We understand that hospice doesn't mean that death is imminent, but it does mean that she has lost a lot of ground from this infection and it is likely that she will not fully recover.  We are hopeful, but realistic.  She's 91--has dementia, macular degeneration, and is deaf.  Her quality of life has been deteriorating on a regular basis and it is painful to watch her lose more and more of herself in the process.

I find myself depressed and angry.  She was always so respected for her ability to think intelligently that this indignity seems grossly unfair. It is daunting to see her so diminished. Of course at 91 the body eventually wears out. I hope she can recoup some strength, but being realistic means facing the quality of her life, and my wish is for her to not suffer. I think she was right when she said "Getting old is not for sissies."