I'm 58 but I'm scolded like a child

There is a pervasive sadness that follows me these days. I am often worried about Mom's safety, but also fearful of a new side of her personality--she now scolds me more often than I was ever scolded as a child. Here is a perfect snapshot of one such encounter:
Mom needed a small order of groceries and would not meet the minimum requirements of Peapod. We located a small grocery store in her neighborhood that would accommodate her needs. She needed to establish an account with them for her credit card and she set out to do that while shopping there, with her male friend. She had also given me the shopping list before this outing.
When I found out that she was planning to go there herself, I was so proud of her ability to be independent again, that I threw away the list--thinking I wouldn't need it.

Well, that turned out to be a giant mistake! She went to the store with her friend, but only opened the credit account and bought NOTHING!!! Then she called and asked me to place the order. When I explained that I no longer had the list, I was shouted at and scolded as if I were 10 years old--in fact, she never yelled at me like this, when I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!

Herein lies the problem I face each day-- at one moment Mom is perfectly logical and reasonable. At other times, she is angry, beligerent and mean-spirited, telling me that I'm not helping enough or equal to the help her male friend receives from his family. Honestly, I'm not in competition with his family, but they're not helping more, he just needs less help!

I used to love calling to talk to my mother. Now I fear each phone encounter--for I walk into a landmine, not knowing which personality will be on the other end! This person embodied in my mother is not the same loving, rational woman I used to know, yet she is housed in my mother's body--I know this will only get worse with time, and yet Mom continues to insist that she is managing completely on her own and won't accept additional help. HELP!!!!

The Story of the Toilet Paper

Okay, so I do a Peapod ( Stop and Shop online grocery shopping ) order for my Mom every 2 to 3 weeks. Generally this works out pretty well, except when something is left out of the order, or something is forgotten in the ordering process--namely, Mom calling me with her grocery list. So on this week, the grocery list included toilet paper, but not cereal. So---the groceries were delivered and all was well-- I always get a phone call when the groceries are delivered " Guess what??? the order just came!" She is always dumbfounded by the fact that groceries appear at her door after only a phone call to me.

Anyway, the next day I got a very troubled phone call asking me to please pick up 3 brands of cereal before my visit, because she is completely out of cereal. When I arrived with the 3 boxes of cereal, I found that there were already 6 boxes ( 2 of each kind) stored in a walk-in closet, rather than in the kitchen. There were also stacks of napkins, paper towels, toilet paper and cleansers in that closet, while she seemed surprised to see them there. This just helps to support the fears that if these things are forgotten in the closet, so are there things rotting in the refrigerator that have been forgotten, and who knows what else is falling by the wayside?

The next day, I received a frantic phone call stating that the grocery delivery had omitted the toilet paper--"What will I do??? I gently reminded her about the walk-in closet storage, and was told "You think I'm stupid?" I know what toilet paper looks like, and there is none there-- the grocery delivery omitted it!!" I really tried to circumvent the anger and refusal to even look in that walk-in closet, and just suggested that she look again in the morning. The next morning, I received a phone call stating that she had asked her male friend to bring toilet paper to the senior center for her. I know in my heart that she has at least 10 rolls of toilet paper in that closet, but now she is bartering for it at her senior center because she just will not look in that closet!!

Of course, you might say, what's the big deal?? And you might be right. I'm lucky to still have my mother; lucky to be able to visit her in a lovely apartment, rather than a hospital or nursing home, but the frequency of the angry or desperate phone calls sometimes dims that feeling of good fortune--sometimes it's just that the forgettfulness and stubborness paired with the calls for help are frustrating because there is no way to solve this!

Reversal of Roles

So this is the way it goes---Mom worked so hard at raising 2 children--my brother and myself. My dad was rarely home, working a job that required 6 days a week for 12 hour days. She was the rock of our life, and now that person no longer exists.

Mom is now 84 and suffers from macular degeneration and the early stages of dementia, but insists on living alone, while she's managing. Her notion of managing is not the same as mine--she believes that she is safe and taking care of her affairs, whilst I know the truth--she should not live alone any longer, and is barely getting by, with me ordering groceries, taking care of the bills and paperwork and saying daily prayers for her safety.

Not that I am angry about helping her, because I'm not, but I am balking at the lack of acceptance for much needed help, and the constant fear I have that she really is in danger and unwilling to accept the truth--more help is needed than I can provide while I live 48 miles away.