For the Love of Mom

It seems fitting since tomorrow is Valentine's Day to think about how to make mom really happy on the day of love. This has been increasingly difficult since my Dad died 20 years ago. Of course, I could clearly understand her sadness on the one day each year that people declare their love. But, just as I was getting the hang of that one--telling her about the accomplishments of her grandchildren, bringing a box of sweets or sharing the cute things the great-grandchildren have said, I am now in a new arena. With mom now in a nursing facility, the only thing that I could possibly say to make her happy would be to tell her she's going HOME!

The notion of going home and finding solace is as old as man--even the cavemen were probably thrilled to put their clubs at the door, kiss the wife and settle in for a nice time by the fire. When home is the sanctuary it is a blessing. This is mom's fond memory. However, now, going home would never be what she remembered because it would involve full time aides to keep her safe. She would hate having a stranger in the house all the time "watching her" ( as she says). Yet, this is the reality that we face--she can be home and unhappy with the turn of events, while we scramble to piece together the right mix of kindly, affordable aides for just long enough to use up her assets and then move her back into a nursing facility; or pray that the daily barrage of "when am I getting out of here?" finally stops and she makes her peace with the nursing home as her abode. If her handling of her finances hadn't been the way it was, there might have been other options, but for now, until I win the big lottery, I cannot fix the series of events that were put in motion by poor choices and dementia.

I really want to be the daughter who lovingly visits and brings sunshine into my mom's life, particularly on Valentine's weekend, but I know that instead we will go head to head trying to explain something that she can never really understand. I wish a geriatrics professional could give the recipe for handling this, but to date, no one has the answer. They all just say to humor her. This is not working, and my ability to cope with it is suffering the consequences.

Mom-- I know you won't really believe it, but I love you and want the best for you. Home is not what you really want. What you really want is to be capable and independent again and this, my love is not today's reality. Happy Valentine's Day from your daughter.