She never calls the nursing home what it is--she almost always refers to it as a hotel--I'm not sure whether she honestly believes she's on some perverse vacation, or whether her denial serves her in this way. I tried valiantly to sidestep the question but she kept asking and presenting a thoroughly thought out set of reasons for living with me and Larry.
1. She believes that she did everything right in her younger days and now it's time for people to help her out.
2. She thinks that she can help me with chores and cleaning, so it would make my life better.
3. There's no reason for her to stay in the hotel when she should be surrounded by family.
All of this sounds great for HER! It doesn't address the impossible changes that would happen to ME! I could never afford to hire people to stay with her, so I would need to stay home all the time or take her with me where ever I went. She would not comply with showering or taking meds the way the nursing home can manage it. Larry and I would never be able to visit our kids because we have nobody else to relieve us when we want to see them, or go on a vacation.
Now, all of this sounds terribly selfish, I also realize that I have no socially stimulating activities for her, so she would just sit in our house all day waiting for me to talk to her or take her somewhere. I cannot trust her to stay home alone, since her vision and forgetfulness pose numerous hazards--not the least of which, she could forget that the stove was on, as she did in her own apartment.
Her carefully thought out presentation to me is haunting. I pray that this one time, the dementia actually helps her forget our conversation, because I don't think I can explain the reasons to her without losing my mind. What you know intellectually, and what you feel emotionally are sometimes in conflict and there is no way to solve that.
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