Thanksgiving--Then and Now

When the Pilgrims celebrated their first Thanksgiving in the new land they were probably grateful for surviving their first year and for the bounty on their table but also were mindful of the way things were before they had to make so many adjustments in their lives. Surely they were saddened by those they left behind and for the irrevocable changes that occurred during the last year.

So, I can relate to those emotions as we approach this holiday of Thanksgiving. I am grateful for the bounty that awaits me--the joys of sharing a holiday in the home of our engaged son and future daughter-in-law and deliciously prepared food and good times to be shared with those we love. But I am also mindful of the way we used to celebrate the holiday. Long ago we sat at my mother's table as she proudly produced a perfectly prepared turkey and all the trimmings. My father would carve the turkey and inevitably spill the wine. We propped little ones on phone books and talked about the plans we had for the year to come. More recently, it was I who was the hostess serving our own children (at varying stages of their lives, and often on brief vacation from being away at school) and our aging relatives spent a few days catching up with the family. I reveled in having everyone together for just one long weekend.

Now, I need to adjust to the new order. Mom and uncle can no longer make the trip to celebrate the holiday, one child and his family, as well as our youngest, the PhD candidate, are over 500 miles away and the family cannot spend the holiday as one this year. It is sad, but true-- nothing stays the same. There is guilt about enjoying a holiday while mom and uncle need to stay at the nursing home far from family on Thanksgiving Day. The simple things we take for granted one year no longer apply the next. My Thanksgiving is blessed by still having my mom and I am grateful for my loving family and good times yet to come. But, just as the Pilgrims did so long ago I must take stock of all that is good in my life while I also mourn the loss of the way things used to be.

The Restless Relatives

I just came home from visiting my mom and uncle--whew!! they were restless and ornery today.

My uncle couldn't stop itching (his usual wintertime dry skin problem that seems to defy medical marvels); his foot kept slipping off the foot piece of his wheelchair; and his food wasn't cut up fast enough my me!! My mother had a whole other list of problems-- she couldn't locate her socks that were buried in the drawer; the window in her room was letting in too much cold air ( it felt wonderful!, but that's just me); she was upset because I threw away too much of the food that was rotting in the bag she carries on her walker; and she was wearing a short sleeve shirt, complaining about the cold, but refused to hear the suggestion of changing to long sleeves.

Wow! I had so much fun that I need to probably drink a gallon of some alcoholic liquid or numb my jangled nerves by vegging in front of the TV for several hours. I really do feel the need to see them, and usually enjoy the connection that I get from those visits, HOWEVER, today was very different-- I was thrilled that one of their friends from the senior center came to visit so I could make a faster than usual exit. For once, I was also happy to have the long ride home so I could calm myself and decompress from the visit with the curmudgeons.

The Joy of an Upcoming Wedding

Our son is engaged! We are so, so happy with his upcoming marriage to a lovely girl who loves him and makes him happy. The joy of planning and anticipating a wedding for our child ( who is a grown man) is being clouded by the issue of dementia. Thankfully, our younger members of the family are fine cognitively, but the question of my 86 year old mother who does suffer from dementia attending the wedding is remaining unanswered.

The wedding is planned for September, 2011 which is a long time away from now. We have no way of knowing how Mom will be at that time. Some of the variables of her ability to attend are also complicated by the wedding's venue-- a 5 hour trip from the nursing home where she resides. She would need to travel for 5 hours, attend the ceremony and reception and then either return to the nursing home that night, or stay in the hotel overnight and return the next day. We would have to hire an aide to help her (and free me of these duties while trying to be the mother of the groom) and we would need to hire a driver for the trip home since we will be staying the weekend. As I write this, it sounds daunting for her and the event is nearly a year from now.

My dilemma is based on my wish/ prayer that she be included in as many family events as possible. She is still alive and can still recognize family members and enjoys their company. Do we have the right to deny her that privilege because it will be more difficult for us?! When do we stop taking the easier way out in our attempt to keep her on an even keel? What is our motivation? and whose needs are being served? How much of our preventing a meltdown from her is based on our own need to be unfettered at a fun event? Are we wrong in wanting things to go smoothly, or are we looking for excuses to keep her away because it means more work from other family members?

I don't have the answer and will not for several months. We are overjoyed by the upcoming event but the questions and the sadness they evoke blend with our elation while we pray for the wisdom to do the right thing.