It's happening again

Just when I get adjusted to a level of mom's mental capacity there's a change, and it's never for the better.
In the last few weeks I've been told that she's had issues of confusion finding her room.  I now regularly get phone calls about her "missing male roommate"--not a male, and very much present.  Today, I got the strangest phone call--Mom left a message saying that she had gotten a haircut at "House Beautiful".  She wanted me to talk to her about meeting her and bringing her a hat.  The message was rambling and sometimes unintelligible, but she ended with her customary "I hope all is well with you." By the time I got home I was sure she had forgotten the call, so I didn't call her back.  But, the tone of her voice and the confusion within the message has haunted me the rest of the day.

AHHHH-- it's happening--she is reaching a new level or plateau in diminished mental ability.  The amazing thing is that with it all she can still remember my phone number-- I fear that it will be the last thing she forgets.

Yom Kippur

So today we fasted and prayed. The prayers were filled with hopes for health and happiness and for the prayers to be answered. There was the time of remembrance for all those dear relatives who are no longer with us--remembering them in happy times when our family was a whole, and praying for a time when we can feel complete and whole again.

Of course at that time I miss my Dad and wonder how aging would have affected him if he had been given the chance to grow old. I mourn the loss of him and think about how proud he would have been to see his grandchildren as they are now. He would have LOVED being a great-grandpa!

I also found myself mourning for the loss of the mother that I used to have. Of course I feel blessed to still be able to see her and speak to her, but the person that I mourn is the one who was strong, intelligent, capable and independent. The woman I now visit is just a shell of that other persona.

So on Yom Kippur it seems fitting to take a moment to reflect on all that was and all that we now have. So much has been gained, and yet, so much has been lost. I said a Yizkor for the times that can no longer be, and a prayer for the wisdom to remember those days fondly while relishing the new experiences that now fill my life....a day of reflection, sadness and hope.

So Now it's Come to This...

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2011

Yesterday, while sharing time with my dear friend at breakfast I got a phone call from the nurse at mom's nursing home. The conversation was based on mom's refusal to take a shower, YET AGAIN!! Now you really need to know that my mother was always clean and taught my brother and myself all about good hygiene, so this turn of events is clearly a manifestation of dementia.

The nurse asked me to talk to mom and I did.

Me: "Hi-- I hear you don't feel like taking a shower"

Mom:" Whose side are you on? Why should I shower after I get dressed? They should have told me that's what they wanted. And anyway, what's the big deal -- I'll shower another time"

Me: " I think they told you not to dress because they wanted you to take a shower and you quickly got dressed anyway"

Mom, yelling..." I'm not doing it! I'm already dressed... you wouldn't like it when you're 85 and you're not on my side... stop sticking up for them"

Me: " I'm on your side-- you need to smell sweet and clean. I'm coming to see you tomorrow and I know you want to be fresh for me"

Mom screaming at the nurse...." I'm not doing it! What about tomorrow???? What's wrong with you people? Don't you know that I'm 85?? (she's 86).

The yelling went on for much longer until I asked to speak to the nurse and told her that I wasn't able to convince her but I think they need to insist in some way.

I received another phone call from the nurse telling me that they did in fact insist and got her to comply. I don't know how they did it, and I probably don't want to know because I do know that Mom had to be pretty pissed about it, and really upset with yet another loss of control of her life.

So, it's come to this---I am not her full time caregiver ( and I understand why this is a good thing most of the time), but I am still the last resort for reasoning with her. I also know that this is not the last of it, nor is it the worst of it--it's just part of the spiral downward from which there is no return....