I'm feeling the tug at both ends

We just returned from a wonderful visit with our grown children and grandchildren in North Carolina. Not only did we love the moments of cuddling and stories to be read, we were treated to seeing a concert, a trip to the best life and science museum, and time spent with the southern part of family. And so the tugging at my heart strings becomes stronger.

We've talked a lot about moving to North Carolina. We've looked at many wonderful condos, and look forward to the time that we can pull up stakes in snowy NY and enjoy the milder southern winters. We hope to be able to free ourselves of some of the tedious homeowner tasks and enjoy living in a newer place with amenities on site. Of course, being able to spend quality time with our adult children and those wonderful grandsons makes the move even more inviting.

The caveat to the whole plan is the senior part of our family. The elders don't want to be moved far from the place they've lived for their whole lives, even if it does mean that they would be able to see the youngest members of the family so much more often. Additionally, the process for moving them is a complicated--needing precise timing when rooms become available and the annoyance of reapplying for Medicaid in a new state. So, what to do?

I feel compelled to give the elders what they need for as long as they need it. I also feel torn because I could become a lot older while giving them what they need. Right now, we are capable of moving, and actually look forward to the new adventure. Who knows how those things can change? If I could, I'd move within the next 6 months, yet I don't think that will happen. I am being tugged by the feelings of commitment, and my own yearnings. It should be interesting to see where I end up.

Sadness Hangs in the Air

My dear friend's mother and aunt died last week. The two sisters were not to be separated by death, so they died only 2 days apart. We attended the wake and the mass to offer what small consolation we could to the family.

Today, after the funeral mass, we went to visit my mother and uncle. I think I needed to do this to support my own opinion that I am, indeed, doing what I should for my mom. You see, it never feels like enough-- I always believe that I could somehow make her feel more connected to the present, less foggy of eye and spirit, and generally lift the haze that now endures within her. Such are the musings of someone who likes to be proactive and who hates to see mom the way she now is.

I busied myself with straightening clothes and replacing hearing aid batteries, but also found stashes of hoarded cookies and medication that was never swallowed. I immediately addressed the medication issue and was promptly yelled at by mom because she believed that I was tarnishing her reputation as a smart person with the nurses. My reward for caring was being told that I have no respect for my mother!

The sadness hangs in the air. I am grateful to visit my mom and feel that I do what I can. But, watching her decline, arguing about things not based in reality, and losing the person piece by piece brings a heavy sadness to my very core. I leave her exhausted not because of the work I do or the trip to get there. I am worn out by the ever changing landscape and the vacant look I sometimes see in her eyes. My mom is already partly gone to me but the duty and responsibility to honor the person she once was remains.

Valuable Family Time

Last week we were lucky enough to have our entire family together--this is quite a feat, and we're happy that a major snowstorm came AFTER everyone arrived. We were snowed in together, went sledding, ate, talked, built with Legos and visited mom. Actually due to the bad weather that nixed a total family gathering and lunch, we went twice with different components of the family.

The first visit comprised of Larry and myself, Jeremy, Scott and Stacey( the engaged couple) and their spirited puppy (I was amazed that the nursing home allowed him to come upstairs). I was so happy to see the years lift from mom and Frank's faces as we discussed the plans for the wedding and watched the dog sniff around. Mom asked ( and re-asked) what Jeremy is studying and where they all live, but she was thoroughly engaged in the conversation and loved seeing all of them.

The second visit that was only 2 days later brought tears to my eyes. It was poignant to see Asher and Jacob hesitate as they maneuvered around a walker and a wheelchair, but eventually they both warmed up to talking to the senior relatives. Of course, belated Hanukkah presents given by mom and uncle helped make the segue, but I credit the parrot on the 5th floor for engaging them and helping them deal with a visit that might put off many small children. Additionally, I know that Dan and Jill frequently mention great-grandma and uncle Frank so they knew they were with family. We took many pictures and for that I am grateful--this tangible evidence of the visit is essential for mom, who probably won't remember that we were there. I rarely see mom so animated as she was with her great grandchildren--she clearly loved having them around her and they seemed to be fine with spending some of their precious time with her, as well.

For a brief sliver of a morning, I basked in the time shared by the four generations of our family and patted myself on the back that we were able to surpass blizzards and the obstacles of traffic and time constraints to pull this off. It doesn't matter if she remembers it, because all of us will, and that's enough for me. So it begs the question-- do we move these older folks and ourselves the 500+ miles to NC in order to facilitate these family gatherings on a more regular basis? Or, do we accept that these times come maybe once a year and savor the moment when they occur? This is the million dollar question for which I don't yet have an answer.

Another Birthday

Today could be Thanksgiving. I am grateful that my mother has celebrated her 86th birthday. It was not like any other birthday since she's now living in the nursing home, but it was still a good day for her. By the time I called her at 9:00 AM she had already been wished good things by many people; she had balloons tied to her walker; and she was totally aware of her age!

( something that doesn't always happen)

We brought her a special lunch, presents, a cake and her friend Stanley and ate in the family room upstairs--away from the usual craziness of meal time in the dining room. She truly beamed at all the attention and looked like a little kid when we sang "Happy Birthday" to her.

I am purposely writing this before I speak to her tonight, because I want to document good feeling about the day and I fear that in our nightly conversation on the phone it will be clear to me that she has no recollection of our visit. So, for the next 15 minutes I can revel in the knowledge that she had a good time and we celebrated another birthday with her. It may not seem like much, but I'll take it!

Thanksgiving--Then and Now

When the Pilgrims celebrated their first Thanksgiving in the new land they were probably grateful for surviving their first year and for the bounty on their table but also were mindful of the way things were before they had to make so many adjustments in their lives. Surely they were saddened by those they left behind and for the irrevocable changes that occurred during the last year.

So, I can relate to those emotions as we approach this holiday of Thanksgiving. I am grateful for the bounty that awaits me--the joys of sharing a holiday in the home of our engaged son and future daughter-in-law and deliciously prepared food and good times to be shared with those we love. But I am also mindful of the way we used to celebrate the holiday. Long ago we sat at my mother's table as she proudly produced a perfectly prepared turkey and all the trimmings. My father would carve the turkey and inevitably spill the wine. We propped little ones on phone books and talked about the plans we had for the year to come. More recently, it was I who was the hostess serving our own children (at varying stages of their lives, and often on brief vacation from being away at school) and our aging relatives spent a few days catching up with the family. I reveled in having everyone together for just one long weekend.

Now, I need to adjust to the new order. Mom and uncle can no longer make the trip to celebrate the holiday, one child and his family, as well as our youngest, the PhD candidate, are over 500 miles away and the family cannot spend the holiday as one this year. It is sad, but true-- nothing stays the same. There is guilt about enjoying a holiday while mom and uncle need to stay at the nursing home far from family on Thanksgiving Day. The simple things we take for granted one year no longer apply the next. My Thanksgiving is blessed by still having my mom and I am grateful for my loving family and good times yet to come. But, just as the Pilgrims did so long ago I must take stock of all that is good in my life while I also mourn the loss of the way things used to be.

The Restless Relatives

I just came home from visiting my mom and uncle--whew!! they were restless and ornery today.

My uncle couldn't stop itching (his usual wintertime dry skin problem that seems to defy medical marvels); his foot kept slipping off the foot piece of his wheelchair; and his food wasn't cut up fast enough my me!! My mother had a whole other list of problems-- she couldn't locate her socks that were buried in the drawer; the window in her room was letting in too much cold air ( it felt wonderful!, but that's just me); she was upset because I threw away too much of the food that was rotting in the bag she carries on her walker; and she was wearing a short sleeve shirt, complaining about the cold, but refused to hear the suggestion of changing to long sleeves.

Wow! I had so much fun that I need to probably drink a gallon of some alcoholic liquid or numb my jangled nerves by vegging in front of the TV for several hours. I really do feel the need to see them, and usually enjoy the connection that I get from those visits, HOWEVER, today was very different-- I was thrilled that one of their friends from the senior center came to visit so I could make a faster than usual exit. For once, I was also happy to have the long ride home so I could calm myself and decompress from the visit with the curmudgeons.

The Joy of an Upcoming Wedding

Our son is engaged! We are so, so happy with his upcoming marriage to a lovely girl who loves him and makes him happy. The joy of planning and anticipating a wedding for our child ( who is a grown man) is being clouded by the issue of dementia. Thankfully, our younger members of the family are fine cognitively, but the question of my 86 year old mother who does suffer from dementia attending the wedding is remaining unanswered.

The wedding is planned for September, 2011 which is a long time away from now. We have no way of knowing how Mom will be at that time. Some of the variables of her ability to attend are also complicated by the wedding's venue-- a 5 hour trip from the nursing home where she resides. She would need to travel for 5 hours, attend the ceremony and reception and then either return to the nursing home that night, or stay in the hotel overnight and return the next day. We would have to hire an aide to help her (and free me of these duties while trying to be the mother of the groom) and we would need to hire a driver for the trip home since we will be staying the weekend. As I write this, it sounds daunting for her and the event is nearly a year from now.

My dilemma is based on my wish/ prayer that she be included in as many family events as possible. She is still alive and can still recognize family members and enjoys their company. Do we have the right to deny her that privilege because it will be more difficult for us?! When do we stop taking the easier way out in our attempt to keep her on an even keel? What is our motivation? and whose needs are being served? How much of our preventing a meltdown from her is based on our own need to be unfettered at a fun event? Are we wrong in wanting things to go smoothly, or are we looking for excuses to keep her away because it means more work from other family members?

I don't have the answer and will not for several months. We are overjoyed by the upcoming event but the questions and the sadness they evoke blend with our elation while we pray for the wisdom to do the right thing.