Sadness Hangs in the Air

My dear friend's mother and aunt died last week. The two sisters were not to be separated by death, so they died only 2 days apart. We attended the wake and the mass to offer what small consolation we could to the family.

Today, after the funeral mass, we went to visit my mother and uncle. I think I needed to do this to support my own opinion that I am, indeed, doing what I should for my mom. You see, it never feels like enough-- I always believe that I could somehow make her feel more connected to the present, less foggy of eye and spirit, and generally lift the haze that now endures within her. Such are the musings of someone who likes to be proactive and who hates to see mom the way she now is.

I busied myself with straightening clothes and replacing hearing aid batteries, but also found stashes of hoarded cookies and medication that was never swallowed. I immediately addressed the medication issue and was promptly yelled at by mom because she believed that I was tarnishing her reputation as a smart person with the nurses. My reward for caring was being told that I have no respect for my mother!

The sadness hangs in the air. I am grateful to visit my mom and feel that I do what I can. But, watching her decline, arguing about things not based in reality, and losing the person piece by piece brings a heavy sadness to my very core. I leave her exhausted not because of the work I do or the trip to get there. I am worn out by the ever changing landscape and the vacant look I sometimes see in her eyes. My mom is already partly gone to me but the duty and responsibility to honor the person she once was remains.

Valuable Family Time

Last week we were lucky enough to have our entire family together--this is quite a feat, and we're happy that a major snowstorm came AFTER everyone arrived. We were snowed in together, went sledding, ate, talked, built with Legos and visited mom. Actually due to the bad weather that nixed a total family gathering and lunch, we went twice with different components of the family.

The first visit comprised of Larry and myself, Jeremy, Scott and Stacey( the engaged couple) and their spirited puppy (I was amazed that the nursing home allowed him to come upstairs). I was so happy to see the years lift from mom and Frank's faces as we discussed the plans for the wedding and watched the dog sniff around. Mom asked ( and re-asked) what Jeremy is studying and where they all live, but she was thoroughly engaged in the conversation and loved seeing all of them.

The second visit that was only 2 days later brought tears to my eyes. It was poignant to see Asher and Jacob hesitate as they maneuvered around a walker and a wheelchair, but eventually they both warmed up to talking to the senior relatives. Of course, belated Hanukkah presents given by mom and uncle helped make the segue, but I credit the parrot on the 5th floor for engaging them and helping them deal with a visit that might put off many small children. Additionally, I know that Dan and Jill frequently mention great-grandma and uncle Frank so they knew they were with family. We took many pictures and for that I am grateful--this tangible evidence of the visit is essential for mom, who probably won't remember that we were there. I rarely see mom so animated as she was with her great grandchildren--she clearly loved having them around her and they seemed to be fine with spending some of their precious time with her, as well.

For a brief sliver of a morning, I basked in the time shared by the four generations of our family and patted myself on the back that we were able to surpass blizzards and the obstacles of traffic and time constraints to pull this off. It doesn't matter if she remembers it, because all of us will, and that's enough for me. So it begs the question-- do we move these older folks and ourselves the 500+ miles to NC in order to facilitate these family gatherings on a more regular basis? Or, do we accept that these times come maybe once a year and savor the moment when they occur? This is the million dollar question for which I don't yet have an answer.