Happy 87th Birthday

Dearest Mom,
I know that your birthday was December 2nd but it's taken me this long to write to you because I needed time to process how I feel about another year that has passed.  We celebrated your birthday with a special lunch, cake, balloons and presents--much like so many birthday that have come before.  Your nearest and dearest who were able to attend were there.  You seemed really happy to have the day spent in this way and we were happy for the opportunity to make you feel like "queen for a day." Before I even got home you left a message on my machine that said " it would have been nice to have you at least call me since today is my birthday."

I have a new mantra for all the upcoming special days that we share--if you look happy at the moment, then I've done a good thing.  No longer will I agonize over the memories of the time that will elude you-- I will learn to hang onto those memories for both of us.  I will document your smile in pictures and I will try to replay your praise for my efforts in my head to ward off the feelings of guilt and sadness that always follow our time together. I will stop myself from asking you "remember when..."-- I remember when and that will have to be enough.