Exhausted

I saw my mom and uncle yesterday.  Nothing has changed in either of them which is a blessing.  Yet, I am totally exhausted.  I'm not wishing for any change because that could spell a major decline in either ones health, but I wish someone else could shoulder being the person in charge once in awhile.

My uncle says that the tedious routine each day is just mind-boggling.  I see it the same way, but from my perspective.  I have been visiting him in the nursing home for over 5 years and we virtually repeat the same routine each time I go. Only now, it includes the rituals that have developed since my mother is now a resident.  I am easily bored and although I try desperately to alter the conversation or minutiae, we basically follow a script for each visit.  The only thing that changes is their ability to respond to me.

I am just exhausted!  The trip to the Bronx, the parking, the actual visit, the heavy feeling in my heart when I leave them ( because of the sadness on their faces when I say I must go home), the feeling that I'm just not doing enough, and the trip home including the lane closures on the bridge are all wearing away at my stamina.  I don't blame them.  I visit because I want to.  I visit out of love and devotion and the desire to provide some remembrance of the life they both had before the nursing home.  I visit because I generally feel better after doing the mitzvah.  But I am exhausted.