Saying Goodbye

Mom passed away on August 16th at 8:40 AM. We were not with her, but a trusted aide was. We had been at her bedside for many vigilant hours and yet no family member was there to hold her hand as she left this world. Perhaps she willed that to be the case, or the high fever from the pneumonia dictated the end-- either way, I hate to think of her being alone.

We had a very respectful funeral filled with beautiful eulogies by three of her grandsons,
and me. We followed the traditional Shiva period, and will say Kaddish for her. But, now the real work begins. There are only a few loose ends and then what?  Everyone returns to regular life schedules but the profound sense of loss is daunting. Who else will ever love me so unconditionally, or understand my facial expressions and needs the way my lifelong friend/my mother, was able to do?  Who could ever say volumes with a twinkle of a blue eye or share an inside joke the way that she could? Who else will spend sleepless nights thinking about a solution to something that bothers me? The answer is there is no one to take her place. She was everything I needed when I was growing up and she transitioned so aptly to being a cheerleader, friend and confidant when I was grown.  Of course dementia robbed us both of the last six and a half years, but in that time I hope I was able to calm her fears and honor the devotion she always gave me with the love and care I provided. It will never feel that I did enough since she spent the better part of her life giving me her all and my meager 6 years can't compare.

I know she loved me, and I know she understood the depth of my love for her. It's just that saying goodbye is not easy. I try to take comfort in knowing that she no longer has to meet the indignities of dementia or suffer. I know that she was loved and respected by so many who knew her and I know that her lessons go on through me to the next generation. I just think I would never be ready to say goodbye and yet, I have no choice.

Mom, I will love you and miss you for all the days I have breath. Rest in peace❤️