Just Pay the Damn Bill!

Even though my blog is generally about Mom, it has often included the time that my uncle spent in the nursing home, which was six years.  Today's frustration is assigned to the final bit of business related to his stay in the nursing home.  I have been receiving erroneous bills from the nursing home for the last year and have tried desperately to have the Medicaid budget corrected, but to no avail.  Now, I must pay the bill for the month of March, which was the last month of my uncle's life.  I know that all I should be paying is the amount of his pension, which was being direct deposited into his checking account and that I paid in check form to the home each month. I have tried to have the business office reconcile the bill and release his personal account money but each time I speak to someone in the business office, I am told that we owe a different amount of money and that there has been an outstanding balance for over a year.

I KNOW that their accounting is terrible, since I have found several errors in the past.  I also know that the previous business manager believed that someone was playing with the numbers to the nursing home's advantage ( hence she no longer works there!).  I know, too  that I must show a final payment of his debts to the court, since I am administrator of his estate and that no remaining balance can appear before I distribute the rest of his funds.  All of this ends in an impasse with the billing office.  They cannot/will not finalize the account and release his personal funds, and every time I call I either leave a voice mail, or I am told that they are still looking at the account.  I have lost my patience! Today I took my case to the Assistant Administrator who promised to look into the account and give me and answer within the next 10 days.  I truly don't believe that will happen.

Frank was difficult and demanding.  I am so ready to remember his good qualities and allow the less attractive things fade, but I cannot do that while I am still in the middle of aggravation that may lead to letters from collection agencies or lawyers, or questions from the court on the discrepancy between the amount I paid and the actual amount due according to the nursing home records.

Someone would say why don't you just pay the damn bill.  There is no money to meet their billed amount, and even if there were, I would refuse to allow them to  extort the money from us because of their own careless accounting. I will keep this going--but sometimes you just get tired.  I am so tired of the fight. So hoping to move on to the next chapter and yet I am not allowed to do it--at least not yet.

It Was Bound to Happen

Yesterday, Larry and I went to visit Mom.  I was feeling that I especially missed her because it had been 2 weeks since my last visit.  When we got there, she was sleeping in the dining room and it was very hard to wake her.  She said hello and went right back to her naps.  I spoke to the nurse to alert her to the possibility that there is a UTI brewing ( since that's been the M.O. for a long while when Mom is soooo sleepy).  Mom woke to eat her lunch and seemed a little more "with it".  She spoke very little but ate slowly.  Larry showed her a picture of Asher's toothless smile and we tried to explain her connection to him.  She didn't remember Asher, or Dan, or who I am in relation to her. I told her my name, and reminded her that I'm her daughter, but to no avail.  She just shrugged and I could see the vacancy that appears more and more on her face.

It was bound to happen, but it didn't hurt any less!  The process of me losing my mother is slow and painful and this is yet another milestone in that separation.

Sadness

Last week, my Uncle Frank died at the age of 91...only 3 days past his birthday.  I am so grateful that we were able to see him enjoy that day of balloons, and his favorite strawberry shortcake.  He seemed truly happy and at peace.  As I wrote his eulogy I reflected on his life and I believe that he really had a good one.  He enjoyed his job, married someone he loved and remained devoted to, and grew to be self-confident in his later years.

To sum up a life of 91 years is daunting.  How do you add up the accomplishments, joys, pains and disappointments?  How do you really do justice to what a person means to their family?  Seeing his remaining possessions in plastic bags really hit home.  We are all not meant to be on this earth forever.  We are flowers that fade and eventually we become dust.  Sure, that's depressing, but it's real.  It is, however, in the smile that crosses a loved one"s face at the mention of our name that endures.  If our name becomes a blessing, then our time here on earth had meaning beyond the years we were here.  So, Uncle Frank, your name will become a blessing.... Rest in Peace my dear Uncle.

New Year...Same Old, Same Old

With the dawn of a new year we always have hopes that things will change.  We are always aware that they can change for the better or worse, but change is our dream.  Not so with my Mom's nursing home. We visited Mom the other day. We were greeted by the news that her hearing aid is lost (AGAIN!).  The aides and nurses claim that she had them as of 8:30 AM, but one was missing by 10:30 AM.  Do I believe it?  Not sure.  Yes, Mom does take them out occasionally, but the "fishy" part is their claim that she had them so early in the morning.  Most of the time that I visit she is just being given her hearing aids at 11:30 AM.  So, what to believe????

I am so sick of thinking about and searching for, hearing aids!  Mom does wear them, and is very aware of their usefulness.  Good thing I kept the old ones that were lost, then found.  See... hearing aids ad nauseum.  We will try the recommended clips to prevent this happening any other times, but I have little faith.

The New Year seemingly is promising to be too much like the old one.

Thanksgivingkah

It is strange to have both Thanksgiving and Chanukah occurring at the same time.  In fact, this won't happen again for 77,000 years.  Stranger still, is the feeling I get when we celebrate a holiday.  I am happy to spend the time with our children and sometimes with our grandchildren, too.  But I always mourn the loss of the valued older generation who are alive and yet unable to join us.  The celebration is tainted by my knowledge that they are part of an institution's definition of a holiday rather than being surrounded by loved ones and long-held traditions. I wish it could be different.  I wish for just one more time to have those older people revel in the family that they helped to create and bask in the glow of respect and love.  I wish...

Dental Dilemma Part II

My brother and I decided to go forward with the dental surgery (with fingers crossed).  Mom was accompanied to the surgeon's office by a very caring and genteel aide from the nursing home who was able to keep Mom calm and in good spirits even though she hadn't eaten breakfast.  My brother and I met them at the dental clinic and finally met with the dental team.  After much conversation and deliberation we decided to only extract the six broken teeth and leave Mom without a set of dentures.
Mom was compliant--she sat dutifully for X-rays and marveled at all the "fancy" equipment--she was a perfect patient!  She went back to the nursing home and was in relatively better spirits than I would ever be after six extractions. According to the nursing home nurses she is managing to eat, albeit a little less than usual, and not complaining about pain (remarkable!)
 
So now, here is where my shallowness comes to the surface.  We made a good medical decision with the dentists who said that she has no active infections and may be fine for many years with just her remaining teeth.  BUT, I can't handle seeing her without teeth!  She looks broken, or like a homeless person and I am waking in the night pondering this.  Ideally I would like her to have been fitted for dentures.  Ideally she would be able to adjust to them and actually wear them.  Ideally she would look more like the Mother that I've known for 63 years.  I see the broken teeth as a symbol of the other changes in her that are not visible.  I see the ravages of time and our inability to rewrite the script.
I see the dental dilemma as yet another battle lost.  Did we do right by our mother?  I hope so.  Of course we can always have the rest of her teeth extracted and try dentures at some point.  But for now I need to stop being shallow. Stop feeling self-conscious or guilty about her missing teeth.  I need to focus on the reasons for the decision and learn to live with it.

The Dental Dilemma

Mom has always hated going to the dentist and in her later years she really neglected her teeth.  She used to have a partial dental plate that filled in the gaps, but she recently lost several of her teeth that were holding the plate in place and now the plate was lost at the nursing home.  She presently looks awful! She really looks like someone who has nobody to care for her and it breaks my heart.  I arranged for a dentist to see her at the nursing home and was told that she needs to see an oral surgeon at the hospital. Eventually, after the extractions, new dentures would be fitted. I tried to explain all of this to mom last week when I visited during lunch time.

So today, I received a phone call from the nursing home's social worker who asked me to calm mom down and try to convince her to go with the aide for the dental appointment.  I was met by a lot of yelling and accusations about my lack of compassion, as well as, my inability to remember that mom had just visited the dentist herself.  Of course, she mentioned the dentist we used to see, who has been dead for the last 30 years! She then asked me to just leave her alone and not bother her with extra nonsense--she's fine; eating okay; and just doesn't want to go. I was able to convince her to go to the dentist and we would discuss the next step.  Luckily, she went.

Now the dilemma comes up.  She will need all of the rest of her teeth removed and will be without teeth for several weeks until the dentures can be fitted.  If she doesn't have the extractions, she may be able to eat for quite awhile, but some day she may have an infection in one of the remaining teeth and then would need emergency dental surgery and high doses of antibiotics.  Even if she gets the dentures she may not be able to adjust to them, and may not be able to ever eat solid food again.  So, what to do?
My brother ponders leaving her alone, worried about the end result of the extractions.  I worry about the possible infections.  There is no easy answer, but I'm leaning on the surgery.  Is it because I am vain for her?  Is it because I hate having her look so broken?  I really can't answer that today.  I only know that making the least lousy choice is really hard to do.